I am unemployable. I have severe social anxiety and suspect I may have aspergers disease. I was lucky enough to have a good, but solitary childhood, and was even lucky enough to go to college and graduate. I decided to specialize in Graphic Design, but I am unable to even do menial “retard work” due to my disease. I’ve been on the verge of killing myself for 10 years now, but realize that it has to end. I am a burden on my parents, and considering I am unable to even keep a menial job working in a factory or as a dish washer because I am a complete retard and am inept in every conceivable way.
I choose to die. The truth is, I actually have above average IQ but I get these stupid “drone jobs” for the lowest scumbag (note* I do not use the term scumbag to demoralize others, but to demoralize myself” and it is our society that views these people as scumbags for paying such mediocre wages and luring them into never ending debt circles”
I cannot even succeed as a member of the “untouchables” I see them always pretending to be cheerful and am astonished that even without graduating high school, and some of them with criminal records etc. I see them making a living for themselves.
The ironic thing is, I know so much more than all these people knowledge wise and memory wise. Not to sound extremely egocentric/ narcissistic but it is true. I am constantly in the world of thought and analyze everything and observe every grain of sand. I do not see the forest for the trees, or the individual trees, but every atom of every tree, of every planet swirling around a star at 50,000 miles per hour in a thin soap bubble of multi dimensional space time. I watch so many documentaries and am a polymath ie renaissance person. I am the observer, and am interested in such things as philosophy, society and culture, human nature, the cosmos,evolution, and how the economic system creates debt out of everything.
The truth is I am hurting so much. I know a lot of what I am saying right now is hurtful, but the truth is, if you ever met me in person, I wouldn’t say anything to hurt others, I am extremely meek in person, and usually listen, absorbing everything, and analyzing the hidden meanings behind their conversations etc. But I never get involved in the world, instead I go home and ruminate over everything in the world, from “why do they keep gouging oil” why do they follow each other and have such a strong system of hierarchy and nepotism” to “how come we are not 1000 years ahead of where we are since in the dark ages technology and people went backwards”
I am also an artist, and work in many different mediums from chalk pastel, to acrylic paint, and even sharpie pointillism, a technique I invented myself.
No matter what I am not fast enough and no matter how much I take everything they say to me as personal………….. No matter how much I try to “Rush” I am not fast enough, and am apparently to stupid. I remember once I got a horrible job at a factory working on an assembly line and was putting the parts on backwards and screwing up left and right. They gave me the strangest looks I did everything I could to hide my tension and perhaps they saw me straining and contorting my face as I mentally lashed myself to be faster.
No matter how serious I take any of these jobs, or how hard I try to obsess knowing that without this job I cannot ever be independent/ make my own life happen. I still fail, even with the constant reassurance that if I can’t succeed at this one, I must die. I remember once while I was still in school working as a dishwasher at that job I detest so much, I came home and slapped my face and screamed “Rush Faster Rush Rush Rush Rush or Diiieieieieeeeeeeee” The next day I was still not able to rush faster and obviously knew that, but I knew that without the income I would be doomed.
No matter what I do, I will never be fast enough. I have no money and am currently living with my parents. It is time for me to free myself from burdening these people. I know that they will be very sad when I am gone, but I am sure they would rather see me gone than to see me miserable for another 30 years. Knowing that I am a worthless idiot. Every day I am reminded by the fact that I am a sub par caliber human being, and that even when I am nice, people seem dislike me, yet I am kind/ polite but seen as clueless.
P.S I know this is a long post. sorry.
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